Dare to be Vulnerable, its worth and can be learnt!

Imagine if one knows how to manage and leverage Vulnerability (with its uncomfortable feelings), what would it mean to the way one builds connections, develops creative ideas, handles difficult conversations, leads teams…….amplifying boundaries!  Its worth it and it is doable- that is the big inspiration from the book, that Berne Brown would like us to takeaway. 

Some of the key insights that Ms Brown brings to light:

1.       Courage is not opposite to fear.  Instead it represents the set of behaviors and responses that one display, when in fear.  Courage can be built in all, and is not decided at birth. And yes, courage is contagious, too. 

2.       Courage is built on the individual’s ability to do vulnerability, live in sync with personal values, act and promote trust and finally ability to rise strong from set-backs (kick-ass) that are inevitable.

3.       Vulnerability is an emotional exposure, when faced with uncertainty and risk, and where the outcome is not in ones’ control.  Berne emphasizes the need for doing Vulnerability by the leaders in the organization context, that would go long way in connecting and closing with teams and ensuring openness, innovation, trust and enabling non-judgmental culture.  Neither Vulnerability is sign of weakness, nor is it license to indiscreetly sharing the personal experiences and emotions.   

4.       Contrasting Daring Leadership with Armored leadership indicates the difference in behaviors that go a long way in explain their effectiveness and impact on those led.  Armored leaders act as being a knower, chasing compliance & control, rewarding exhaustion as symbol of self-worth, and zig-zagging and avoiding conflicts.  Daring leadership is characterized by learners’ approach, shared purpose, cultivating commitments, straight talking and empathy, including self-compassion. Daring leaders work from the assumption that people are doing the best they can- leaders with ego, armor or lack of skills do not make that assumption. 

5.       Shame, that reinforces in us the feeling of not been generally good enough, is behind our love for embracing armor.  We need to guard our inadequacies as secret from the world, for the fear of being ineligible for their love and connections, if these gaps get known to the world.  This shame driven thinking is limiting, debilitating and leads to smallness of being and cheap behaviors (including blaming and shaking others or excessive comfort eating).  In contrast, feeling of guilt is a positive emotion, as it involves acknowledging the specific gap that is followed by commitment to actionable gap fulfillment plan.

6.       Empathy seems to be the real antidote to shame.  Empathy is about connecting and staying with the emotions that other is experiencing than rushing to alter the emotions or fix the concern.  While Berne lists the empathy skills, what is more interesting is the empathy busters; fathom saying these quotes while empathizing:  It’s not that bad,  you are over-reacting, I have been through worse, I imagined you were stronger, and do this to fix it up! 

7.       We need trust to be vulnerable, and we need to be vulnerable in order to build trust. 

8.       More than half the population do not take conscious effort to define and recognize their personal Values- something that defines them and provides the filter to use while making tough calls.  Book provides the list of values as reference and for readers to identify their top two values, which requires deliberative and intense effort, especially when trading off between equally appealing values.  Once in touch with values, leaders are able to understand their reinforcing and contrasting behaviors and also their boundaries of acceptance.  Berne explains the concepts using her two values- courage and faith- with great alacrity and incisiveness.

9.       Importance of Trust has been written much about.  Berne brings to us set of behaviors that are learnable, measurable or observable, which would help build trust.  It includes being consistent in ones views on what is acceptable and what’s not, doing what one says, owning to ones gaps, and preferring courage over comfort.  Further it involve respecting confidentiality of stuff shared in confidence, not jumping into conclusions about other and finally being generous in assumptions about others behaviors, and intent (including self). 

10.   Finally how to rise from the fall- low feeling that we often experience in this journey.  Labelling the emotions right and precise, would mean half the job done. This is where having adequate level of emotional literacy becomes important. Can u consciously look at the uncomfortable emotion and call out it as jealousy, fear, hate, resentment, disappointment, anxiousness, frustrated, regret, hurt, or worried?  What is behind anger and sadness? Try this after you are feeling bad after a meeting that has gone well- you would get insight into your own self- values- emotions and help design more effective coping mechanism.  It works, indeed.  

While for those who have gone through other books by Brene, there may be some repetition- but for others, it has lot of fresh ideas and actionable suggestions.  If nothing else, it not only take topic like courage from the genes-attribution to learnable realm, and provides good start-up kit, provided one is ready to experiment.  

Book worth taking along as you retire for year end vacations and plan for courageous, bigger and bolder next year!